Saturday, March 15, 2008

I have always believed that my life would be cut short by some freak accident or by the hands of a long and agonizing cellular overgrowth. Be it as it may the equation is always x= short life. As the hands of time speed ever persistently forward; I feel i have surpassed my own life expectancy. This is not a morbid obsession, but a mere thought that plagues me and reaches into my hopes and my dreams. I wish death was trivial and surmountable, but like a lion hunting it's prey, it latches on and will not loosen its grip. Death is in the cancer that plagued my dear friend and my family that has lost the battle. Death is in the bullet that made her selfishly pull the trigger and on the railroad tracks that swallowed my uncle alive. And one day death will be in me and i will not be able to tear myself away from it. One can only hope to be right with him and that he make it quick and painless.
I would one day like my tombstone to read, Isaac Garcia caring husband and father, loving friend and brother, worried about dying young. 1984-2099. I guess the joke was on him.

I'll tell you why numbers scare me, because it is not the number but its significance. for instance, 18 means you've graduated high school. 21 means most forms of independence a degree,a good job. 25 means a career 2.5 kids,whatever the fuck that means, a white picket fence and several pets and maybe a failing marriage.

Why isn't it alright to not know what I'm going to do with my life? Why do you have to look at me with perplexities? The human race is no longer starved for a populous existence, in fact we are over crowding and committing the most deviant and horrendous acts towards one another. I have no faith in the human race so what is the rush to fuck and wed, in which ever order you prefer, and raise children when we can't even care for ourselves so they can all commit terrible things to one another.

I will get there in time and i have the patience that things will sort out and in the end I'll be exactly where i want to be with little Asian looking mini-me's running around.

1 comment:

mattyc said...

If it makes you feel better maybe the fear of an early death isn't that uncommon. I've always felt like I was going to die early or in my younger days I thought we would all be "raptured" before the year 2000. And there's no reason to rush your life. I'm married and we're on our way to our 2 kids (don't know about the half), and I still don't know what I'm doing. So being married and having kids doesn't really mean you have anything figured out. Just some thoughts.